remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
