She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
