we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
