Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
