I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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