It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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