you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
