life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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