My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
