i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
