You can't motorboat a personality
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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