I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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