Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
