Cold hands, warm shart.
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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