Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
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Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
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it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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