We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
