My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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