Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
