Christians are straight up FREAKS
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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