i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I think people are normalizing furries
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
