I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
