I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize