I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Can you bring me the toilet please
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I need water and some morals
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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