I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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