Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
