you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
