just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
