My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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