Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
