Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
