i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
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I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
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That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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