I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
