You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
