Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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