there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
