I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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