I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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