'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
