Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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