Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
