You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
