No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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