Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
