did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
