We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
