i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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