I didn't shave. On purpose
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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