They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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