i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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