God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
