my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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