I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
