if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
