i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
home. puking in laundry basket.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
