I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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